


Do We Actually Hate Each Other Tho

by starzaya



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Affectionate Insults, Fluff, Humanstuck, Long Distance Relationship, M/M, rated for swearing and sexual innuendos and stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-02 16:35:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6573778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starzaya/pseuds/starzaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose thinks Dave should have more friends than just herself, John, Rose, and Jade.</p><p>He's not very interested or very cooperative and has gone through, like, four people. They all got fed up with his bullshit.</p><p>But fifth times the charm, right?</p><p>***5/8/2016: Chapter 3 will be postponed ANOTHER week due to more things. Could not find the time to write or even get on my computer. Sorry u_u***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. going great so far

**Author's Note:**

> Excuse errors. I'm bad at editing.
> 
> Excuse the little bit of out of character-ness. This is why I don't roleplay and rarely post fanfic. (thought process: how do I write Dave? uh. dorky prick who rambles, makes shitty metaphors and blow them out of proportion, and likes to piss people off? sure. how do I write Karkat? crabby? done. let's do this.)
> 
> Will be updated within a week of the last update unless otherwise stated.
> 
> Enjoy the shenanigans.

As the second best master of irony, you think it's pretty ironic to accept Rose's attempts to get you to have more friends than your circle. Because you're kind of a huge fucking prick, you think you beat everyone on the score of 'how much of a cocksucking asshat are you?' though some people come kind of close. By kind of close they're pretty impulsive and naive. You just don't give a shit. Or give too many shits. Whatever. But, anyway, no one really likes you even though no one sees you as the dork who wears aviators for some reason and you're sort of the elusive cool kid who only gives the time of day to three people and sometimes their friends. Sometimes. On rare occasions.

Rose thinks this is unhealthy, and as the shrink-in-training, you don't trust what she says, at all. But who is a Strider to pass up the chance to start having friendly chat with some rando even though you don't seem like the person who would start pestering some rando. Ironic, right? Maybe? Kind of? Yeah. Kind of is enough. It's irony all the same. Kind of? Whatever. This is the fifth time she's sent you to 'befriend' someone, and the last four times have ended with them being fed up with your shit and just ceasing to talk to you. Honestly, you can't wait for Lalonde to give up on this endeavor to get 'Dave to stop being an insufferable asocial prick who won't widen his friendship bracelet'.

As much as you like sending people off the cliff of insanity and straight into serial killer-ville, it gets kind of boring and repetitive. C'mon, a sly fox such as her cannot have the stubborness of a bull, can she? The amount of times she wouldn't have totally not made you jump out of your skin if she had metaphorical bull horns would exceed the amount of fingers you have. The amount of times you also clashed both of your bull horns against each other's would also exceed your fingers.

If reality was the dreamland of people being represented by a metaphorical abomination of their personality, there would be a lot of fucked up animals. Like eight legged snakes who weave webs around your hopes and dreams and eats them whole and doesn't even care to shit it out in your mouth and holy fuck this got on a whole new level of poetic car crash.

Besides, the chances of you befriending this rando is slim to none. Rose's weird friend has chosen the person, and they probably genuinely want to make friends. It's pathetic in your eyes. You doing it is not, because you're in it for shits and giggles and not another charm on the hula hoop of people I'd second guess leaving to die. This person probably is a teddy bear compared to your metaphorical abomination of a self and you hate teddy bears. Most of them. A lot of them. None of them. Fuck.

Plus, they're taking forever to start talking to you. You can't even stop the dilly dally, because they have your handle, not vice versa. It's their job to start opening up the hatch of bullshit and they are wasting precious, precious time. One second...two seconds...five seconds...an entire century will pass before they even send a 'hi' your way. Jesus.

As if on God's mercy, you hear a beep! and a log pops up.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HEY SHITHEAD.

What is this? Caps lock? The entire screen is emitting 'irritated princess'.

TG: yo  
TG: sup mutual shithead  
CG: WHAT KIND OF HANDLE IS "TURNTECHGODHEAD" ANYWAY?  
CG: WAS I TRICKED INTO PLAYING DICKASS FOOTSIES WITH SOME LONELY ASPIRING DJ WHO'S REALLY FULL OF HIMSELF?  
TG: pretty much yeah  
TG: ding ding ding we have a winner  
TG: have a prize  
TG: spoiler alert  
TG: there is no prizes  
CG: JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY. THIS IS ALREADY PAINFUL AND IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN A MINUTE.  
TG: think you can press the caps lock button again  
TG: you forgot to turn it off  
CG: IT'S MY TYPING QUIRK, DUMBASS.  
TG: what  
CG: ARE YOU ACTUALLY THIS FUCKING STUPID? YOU CAN'T USE WHATEVER LITTLE BIT OF BRAIN CELL YOU HAVE LEFT TO ASSUME THE MEANING OF 'TYPING QUIRK'? HERE, I'LL SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU.  
CG: IT'S HOW YOU TYPE.  
CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO DUMB THAT DOWN FURTHER?  
TG: pls do  
CG: YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS  
TG: lmao  
CG: IS YOUR NAME INSUFFERABLE SHITBAG, BY ANY CHANCE?  
TG: holy shit  
TG: are you psychic  
CG: KNEW IT.  
CG: YES. I ALSO KNOW YOU PROBABLY DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. ALL OF THEM HIGHTAILED THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF YOUR LIFE AFTER YOU ANNOYED THEM TO HELL AND BACK, THEN STRAIGHT BACK TO HELL FOR GOOD MEASURE. BY THEN HELL SEEMED LIKE A BETTER PLACE THAN AN EARTH WITH YOU ON IT.  
TG: why did no one tell me i was going to have to send an omnipotent down the low road  
TG: they already know what its like  
TG: my plans are ruined  
CG: SO WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS AGAIN?  
TG: to humor a shrink  
TG: i think shell be pretty humored  
TG: this is going fabulously  
CG: IS THAT SHELL OR SHE'LL? I CAN'T TELL.  
TG: a ladder  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES A LADDER HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING

It took a moment.

CG: FUCK ME.  
TG: idk if i can through a computer  
TG: sorry pal  
CG: CAN WE GIVE UP ON THIS NOW OR WILL WE BE FORCED TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN?  
TG: dunno  
TG: yo so why are you doing this  
CG: WHY ARE *YOU* DOING THIS?  
TG: why are you doing this  
CG: OH MY GOD. I'M NOT DANCING THIS MORONIC FUCKING DANCE, THANKS FOR THE OFFER, THOUGH.  
CG: ACTUALLY, I'M GOING TO STOP THIS DANCE ALL TOGETHER. YOU STUPID COCKSUCKING FUCK. GET CANCER AND DIE WHILE YOU GET DUMPED ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

You are pretty proud of yourself. This is your record. Barely, what, ten minutes?, and they're already gone. This one was easy. Very easy. (Though, you are a little sad... wait, what was that thought? Never mind.)

Beep!

CG: I AM *PAINED* TO ANNOUNCE BUT WE ARE BEING FORCED AGAINST OUR WILL TO SMOTHER EACH OTHER WITH OUR BULLSHIT.  
TG: enough to choke and die?  
CG: NO.  
CG: NOT YET.  
TG: fuck  
TG: cant we just not?  
CG: NO.  
TG: why not?  
TG: no one can force you to do anything  
CG: BRIBERY IS STRONG, FUCKCOCK.  
TG: youre lucky im feelin nice  
CG: AND ALSO FEELING YOURSELF  
TG: and ill not leave and let you be deprived from your ass sticks  
TG: the cruelty of women  
TG: taking away our souls just to get us to talk  
TG: the horror  
TG: their bull horns have beaten ours and they are now running over us with their annoying feet  
TG: all mourn for the loss  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  
TG: metaphorical forms  
CG: I'M, FOR ONCE, RENDERED NEARLY SPEECHLESS AT THE ABRUPT REVEAL OF YOUR COMPLETE AND UTTER STUPIDITY. THE FUCKING LACK OF BRAIN CELLS IS SHOWING THROUGH AND JESUS FUCK IS IT STRONG. I'M ACTUALLY PITIFUL THAT YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF.  
TG: so did your girlfriend actually take away your ass stick  
CG: THAT'S PERVERTED, YOU FUCK. NO.  
CG: ALSO I THINK I'M GOING TO NEED TO CALL A PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING *INSANE*.  
TG: sounds fun to me  
TG: that roller coaster sounds like its only going up  
TG: forever in that feeling of never getting down  
TG: that sounds like a euphenism  
TG: its not tho  
TG: probably  
TG: in this context  
TG: in this completely unsarcastic context  
TG: where sarcasm does not exist  
TG: anywhere in sight  
TG: even through the telescopes  
TG: sarcasm is completely gone  
TG: even with the hubble space telescope  
TG: sarcasm is missing  
TG: MIA sarcasm  
TG: where art thou

You're _snickering_.

CG: I HATE YOU ALREADY AND IT'S BEEN ABOUT TEN FUCKING MINUTES. THAT SHOULD TELL YOU SOMETHING. YOU ANNOYING ASSHAT.  
TG: aw shucks  
TG: thanks for the compliment  
CG: ASDFGHJKL  
TG: you ok there  
CG: NO. I'M BEING FORCED TO TALK TO SOME SELF ENTITLED PRICK. I WANT TO RIP MY EYES OUT OF MY SKULL AND EAT THEM SO I NEVER HAVE TO READ YOUR ANNOYING RED TEXT AGAIN.  
TG: thought as much  
TG: my names dave strider whats yours  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?   
TG: yes  
TG: well no  
TG: but whats even your name  
TG: we should know each others names before we maul each other to shreds  
TG: cuz were gentlemen  
TG: good sir  
CG: UGH  
CG: HATEBALL OF SHIT.  
CG: THERE YOU GO.  
TG: srsly dude  
TG: do you want me to call you cg  
TG: theyre gonna think were hateflirting and make us have a date and all ill know of your name is capslockian or cg  
CG: IF THEY EVEN TRY TO SET US UP I WILL JUMP OFF A GODDAMNED BRIDGE BEFORE IT HAPPENS. ABORT THE FUCKING MISSION, I'M BEING FORCED TO DATE THE MOST OBNOXIOUS DAVE EVER KNOWN TO PLANET EARTH. EVACUATE BEFORE THE WORLD IMPLODES.  
CG: AND IF YOU EVER CALL ME CG I WILL PERSONALLY HANG YOU MYSELF AND SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE.  
CG: KARKAT.  
TG: can i call you kar  
TG: or karkles  
TG: or something other than something that resembles a cat name  
TG: are you a cat  
TG: im talking to a cat arent i  
TG: a cat with amazing typing abilities  
TG: and knowledge of typing quirks  
TG: youre a fuckin annoying ass cat  
TG: sweet  
CG: I HATE YOU.  
TG: why do you hate everything so much  
CG: MY HATE IS THE FLUID THAT REPLACED MY BLOOD. IT ALSO REPLACED YOURS. IT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY YOU ARE STILL ALIVE. YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL.  
TG: am i ever grateful  
TG: love you friendo  
CG: NOW THEY'LL REALLY THINK WE'RE "HATEFLIRTING". GREAT JOB, BUCKFUCK.  
CG: HOPE YOU'RE READY TO BE BEATEN TO A GODFUCKING PULP OUTSIDE THE CAFE.  
TG: i hope youre ready to be forced on a second date after that  
CG: OH MY GOD. PLEASE STOP.v TG: no  
CG: AND I AM NOT YOUR FRIENDO. NOT AT ALL, AND, IN FACT, WILL NEVER BE. SHOVING FORKS UP MY ASS AND INTO MY EYES SOUNDS MORE PLEASANT THAN FORMING A BOND WITH YOU.  
TG: aw  
TG: a pity  
CG: VERY MUCH SO.  
CG: CAN WE STOP NOW? I THINK THIS IS A GOOD AS TIME AS ANY TO STOP THE STUPID FUCKING INSULT FEST.  
TG: aw i was really hoping youd be up for more bullshit  
CG: NOT TODAY, FUCKSHOE MORON.  
TG: how many cuss words have you made up holy shit  
CG: FUCK OFF AND DIE, STRIDER.  
TG: cya karkles

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

You have this feeling you're going to be talking to this profanity filled 'Karkat' again. What a weird ass name.

You don't know how much time has passed, and when you check your clock it's been a good half an hour. That's a long time for a first convo with someone who does not want to talk to you. At all. Rose'll probably think you want to fuck each others brains out with this, and you're not looking forward to being forced to talk to someone. Whatever. Just keep pissing them off. Maybe even have an actual argument soon, instead of insultville.

Hell, you don't even know where this guy is. If Rose made you talk to someone who lives a thousand miles away, you swear to god...

...you don't care. Nope. That train of thought has been derailed. The cargo and passengers will not be missed. They will be labelled a traitor and a disgusting excuse for cargo and passengers.

Being witty and obnoxious is fun and all, but not so much when the other is as well. Sometimes. You don't really know. Actually, hell yeah, that was a shit ton of fun. Enjoyable, even. How.

They were probably banging their head repeatedly against the desk and wondering why they ever agreed to this. Did they even agree or did Rose and her weird friend set this up because they thought two annoying assholes would be a good pair? Rose doesn't seem like much of a match maker, but as a psychology major (not yet) she likes to think she knows who gets along with who. 

You would gladly be beaten to a pulp by this guy. To be honest. Are they even a guy? Maybe it's a really standoffish girl. You don't know if 'Karkat' has a gender. Maybe their an alien. The name, well, you've never heard it before. It doesn't _sound_ like a girls name. But maybe it is? Karkat does sound kind of like a really crabby dude, plus he was very vulgar. Can girls be that vulgar? Can girls be that fun to talk to?

Does it matter? No. You don't give a shit anymore.

You do, however, give a shit when Rose yells "Dave Strider, you're late to dinner. It's cold and you're not allowed to complain."

Whatever. Microwaves are a great invention.

* * *

Rose has made some sort of clusterfuck of cheese, gravy, bacon and fries. Says its from Canada. It's weird, but holy shit is it good. Why are all Canada foods so great? Lucky ass northerners. At least the only bridge between it is knowing how to make it.

She's staring at you while you eat, making you a little bit uncomfortable, but its expected by now. Strange, though, that she hasn't said anything yet. Her long, black nails trace patterns on the table as she waits for... something. 

"So, David," She finally says.

"That's not my name, _Rosalina_." It's been an ongoing joke to extend both of your names, even though your names are just Dave and Rose.

"How do you like Karkat so far?" Rose looks smug. As if she knows. The bitch probably does. Creepy. And she says it like he's a new toy that you got. Or a new video game. It bothers you. Though, that's pretty much what this is, right? Rose setting you up with new 'toys' every time one of them 'breaks'. Nonetheless, it makes you feel bad. That feeling of bad lasts only for a moment, before you don't give a shit again. Or give too many shits. Whatever.

"Too angry for my liking." Your voice takes on a whole new level of sarcasm. "Next!"

"I apologize to announce this the last offer we have, sir. I'm afraid this is a 'take it or leave it' situation." Her eyes go sly as an even sneakier grin slides onto her face. Your sister, while an amazing cook and pretty cool most of the time, is a fucking sociopath. Not so cool. 25% cool. 75% Satan's wrath for you being a sarcastic bitch 90% of the time. Why do we describe things in percents to detail how much of a person is something? Why not say "they're mostly a sociopath" and call it there? Why go into percents to emphasize it? This isn't math class.

Rose's voice brings you out of your thoughts, as per usual.

"Kanaya thinks you two have a bond. Karkat wasn't muttering about how obnoxious you were." Score.

"Aw, sweet. Next stop: getting Karkat to suck my dick." She frowns.

"Strider, you're _impossible_."

"Thanks. Great meal, by the way." To show that you really meant it, you reached for seconds as she kept rambling. Intelligent ramble, though, not your bullshit muttering.

"You're going to have to stop relying so much on us for your social needs. Its unhealthy and frankly kind of overbearing. Jade used to live by herself and she still talks to people, even though she's lived a hermit most of her life! Soon, you're going to be so afraid of human interaction you might scratch someone who wants to talk to you, like a scared cat. Or you're going to be so despicable everyone is going to leave you. I won't, because I'm stuck with you forever, and have no complaints, but I'm only looking out for you blahblahblahblah..." You start to drown her out. It doesn't work for long, as her annoying voice sinks back into your skull. "...and besides, you seem to be in a good mood, so you should keep driving Karkat into insanity so it will be easier for you to hate-date." She has a shit eating grin across her face. Probably knew you blocked her out. Shit.

"I don't even want to know how you know of the mutual hate." Another mouthful of food is shoveled in. Rose sighs.

"It's not entirely mutual. I know that as well as you do." She states, raising an eyebrow. She plucks her eyebrows too much. You're surprised she doesn't have any injuries from it.

"Not _entirely_ mutual. It's still _somewhat_ mutual." You retort.

"Most of it will be coming from him, of course. You are an extremely clingy idiot who likes having someone to constantly argue with."

"Wait, he's a him? That straightens a lot up. Could girls be that vulgar? Will they be that vulgar? Isn't it against the lady code to be that vulgar? Man. So it'll be gay if he sucks my dick? Cool. What's his last name? I bet it's something that has to do with ass. 'Cuz he's an ass. Somewhat." Shrug. You're almost done your first helping of food and you aren't full. She's such a good cook.

"The lady code plainly states that it's "my pussy, my life", so yes, girls can be that vulgar and we will. There is no shame in throwing around a "cunt" or a "shit-wit" around every so often. You should know this, _David Elizabeth Strider_ ," You glare. That joke is so old. "you follow it. Strictly. It's your life motto, is it not?"

"Yeah, pretty much." You admit, sarcasm thick in your voice. Like usual.

It doesn't matter that your plate is empty, because there's more. You pile your plate within seconds. Rose looks at it disapprovingly as you continue eating. She's finished already. Not that she eats much. Jesus Christ, you're not sure how she's not hungry twenty four seven.

"I'm surprised you're not more than lean. You don't even work out."

"Metabolism." You respond, simply.

"You have that much metabolism."

"Yes."

"I find myself skeptical but there is no room to argue."

"Yep."

"Do you still spar with someone? Take runs?" After shaking your head, she squints her eyes at you. "Do you actually participate in gym class?"

"Caught me." You raise your hands up in mock surrender.

"My word. I thought we agreed to hate that class forever. And claim to forget our gym bag. No wonder people always shudder at the thought of being put up against you in class."

"I do hate it. But credits."

"...True."

You don't feel like getting... fourths?... so you don't. Grabbing your plate, you have the impulse to put it on Rose's head but think better of it and take it to the kitchen. Like you're supposed to. Rose clears the rest of the table. You head upstairs. She goes into her office to probably write squid alien hentai or some shit. Or to talk to Kanaya, her weird friend. Maybe even her girlfriend, now that you think about it.

Once you get up the stairs, you (no surprise here) go into your room. Your bed is unmade; you don't see the point. Shelves are lined with organized jars of dead things in embalming fluid that you still haven't thrown away but have no interest in throwing away, either. Some (nearly) fake shitty swords lay in a heap in a corner. By your computer rests a mix table you've had for forever. You're surprised it's lasted you this long and will last you even longer. A mini fridge holds your apple juice stash. The carpet is stained and dirty. The walls are broken but the holes are covered up by niche bands that no one knows about except probably you and three other people.

Your computer lights up, and a familiar beep! goes off. You turn to look at it.

Someone is pestering you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On 4/20/16, the formatting was fixed (knowledge is power) and the big ass second paragraph was broken up. I didn't want to read it, so chances are other people did not, either. Yes, the new formatting means more walls of text. Like Homestuck. Which is what I'm going for. Heh. They will be shorter walls of text, though, because of the new formatting. So it's really not a bad thing.


	2. going really great so far

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HEY ASSHOLE.  
TG: so soon?  
TG: youre not angry anymore  
TG: damn thought that was your default emotion  
CG: THINK AGAIN, ASSUMING FREAKSHIT.  
TG: dont have to  
TG: im still right apparently  
TG: theres no fuckin hope for you now  
TG: youre an ecologist of anger  
TG: master of the mauna loa angercano spouting shitastrophes all over the goddamn place  
TG: burnt to a crisp in seconds by the flamboyant boy anger thats pissing all over the world  
TG: giant pools of burning hot urine that smell of ass and angry sweat  
TG: spilling all over houses and sinking into your pepsi  
CG: I FEEL THE NEED TO TELL YOU TO SHUT UP EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE NOT TALKING DIRECTLY TO ME. ALSO, REALLY ORIGINAL METAPHOR THERE. GUESS YOU'RE TOTALLY NOT STUCK IN "FUCK I'M OUT OF METAPHORS" STREET AGAIN. PARKED IN THE SPACE RESERVED FOR PEOPLE WITH LACKLUSTER IDEAS AND EVEN LESS LUSTERED GRAMMAR. GUESS YOU'RE NOT GONNA NEED A TAXI.  
TG: nah  
TG: please call 1-2-3-help taxi  
TG: sir we have a problem my metaphors are actually falling out of style  
TG: faster than a goddamn fat lady runs a mile  
TG: we need a makeup artist and an ambulance  
TG: stat  
CG: SORRY, DUDE, BUT WE'RE OUT OF KIDDIE RIDE TICKETS. YOU ARE STUCK IN THE FUCKING PITS OF BLOCK ZONE. HAVE FUN AND STAY SAFE ON THE TILT-A-WHIRL FOR MORONS ONLY.  
TG: well fuck  
CG: THAT'S YOUR RETORT? SERIOUSLY? I THOUGHT YOU WOULD PULL SOME GENIUS OUT OF YOUR ASS AND THEN PULL ME INTO THE BLOCK PIT WITH YOU. GOOD FUCK, YOU'D ASSUME YOU'D HAVE SOME MORE BRAIN THAN WHAT YOU GOT; YOU SEEM TO HAVE AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF METAPHORS. USING IT TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL MIGHT BE REALLY FUCKING SUPER. IT MIGHT MAKE THIS A LITTLE BIT MORE BEARABLE.   
TG: smh  
TG: bask in my glory  
TG: my retorts are of top level  
TG: you have no idea what youre talking about  
TG: youre just looking for a way to get under my skin  
TG: to turn the tables right around  
TG: just to hit me square in the dick  
CG: YOU'RE THE MOST IDIOTIC PERSON I'VE EVER MET. NO. NOT AT FUCKING ALL.  
TG: yes  
CG: YES TO THE FACT THAT YOU'RE AN IDIOT OR BEING A STUBBORN LITTLE FUCK ABOUT ME SAYING NO? MAYBE YES TO HOW THERE IS NO FUCKING TABLES TO TURN? LITERALLY NONE. I'M SURE YOUR DESK IS PUSHED UP AGAINST A WALL AND WE CANT REALLY TURN THOSE FUCKNIG SHITTY ASS THINGS TO TURN THEM.  
TG: all of the above  
CG: NO TO YOUR YES.  
TG: yes  
CG: I'M CONFUSED NOW. I JUST FUCKING CONFUSED MYSELF. WELCOME TO CONFUSION CITY, POPULATION ME AND A BUNCH OF OTHER FUCKING IDIOTS. IT'S NOW A HORROR STORY AND SPOILER ALERT, I'M THE ONE WITH THE FUCKING CHAINSAW. LETS RIP THIS SHIT UP.  
TG: same  
CG: WHY ARE YOU SO ANNOYINGLY COMPLEX FOR SOMEONE WHO IS LITERALLY JUST FUCKING OBNOXIOUS? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS HUMANLY POSSIBLE FOR A HUMAN TO BE... *THIS*.  
TG: idk  
TG: good question  
TG: we need an einsten or an isaac newton to answer this predicament  
TG: too bad both of them are dead  
TG: we need a musician  
TG: preferably snoop dog  
TG: he knows his shit  
TG: or the grupo niche group  
TG:

CG: OH MY GOD

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

 

You usually don't laugh when you're alone. Sure, you might be internally snickering like the smug son of a bitch you are, but never audibly. There's no point, Rose will clock you in for a casual sister and bro therapy meeting, deem you insane, and lock you in the storage room until the janitor lets you out out of pity. Y'know. Casual sibling things.

But. You are fucking hilarious and he just dipped out faster than a fish out of water. That didn't make any sense, but your stomach hurts from fucking laughing so hard and you haven't made someone ragequit from _Pesterchum **ever**_. Your head hurts from laughing. How does that work? Overload of endorphin's? But holy shit. Are you allowed to laugh so hard at your own joke?? It's probably not even that funny, but... dude. Right now, all you're really worried about is oh my fucking GOD he RAGEQUIT FROM PESTERCHUM. And you're really funny. Maybe? You can't tell you're laughing too hard to think properly. You pull a conclusion out of your ass: it's a joke and he has more humor than you thought, your he's genuinely gone.

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: I'M DONE WITH YOU. GOOD BYE.  
TG: wrong  
TG: keep on guessing trooper  
TG: march on faster than the black fucking parade when gerad way dies  
TG: and storm the government demanding them to revive him  
TG: all hail the emos  
TG: youre never over

"Dave fucking Strider. Have you finally cracked?" Rose calls.

"Shut up, Rose fucking Lalonde." You shout back, through broken chuckles and dorky ass wheezes.

CG: THAT MADE NO SENSE, BUT CAN YOU NOT MAKE AN EMINEM REFERENCE EVER AGAIN.  
CG: I GUESS THAT'S JUST FUELING YOU TO DO IT MORE. FUCK ME.  
TG: love you too buddy  
TG: and later k  
TG: keep your antidisestablishmentarianism in your pants  
CG: IT IS. ITS YOURS THAT'S IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.  
TG: you sure its not yours  
TG: ;)  
CG: YOU ARE A FUCKING PERVERT. THAT'S DISGUSTING.  
TG: youre grosser  
CG: IS THAT EVEN A WORD? DID YOU JUST MAKE UP A MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT WORD??  
TG: well not in this context no  
TG: gross-er  
TG: not a movie  
TG: that got the hooch  
CG: SAY THAT AROUND ME AGAIN AND I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOVE SEVERAL FORKS UP YOUR ASS AND PULL YOUR INTESTINES OUT WITH THEM.  
TG: kinky  
TG: whats next  
TG: bdsm gore  
CG: I'M GETTING TRIGGERED  
CG: IASHFDHSGJKFH  
TG: uh  
CG: I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. FUCK OFF. SHUT UP. THE EXPLANATION IS SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT WHATEVER YOU MIGHT SAY ABOUT IT. SHUT THE *FUCK* UP.  
TG: ok  
TG: try again then  
CG: ...THANKS  
TG: np  
CG: DON'T RUIN IT.  
CG: I'M GOING TO FUCKING THROW UP ALL OVER YOU. PROJECTILE VOMIT ALL FUCKING OVER YOU.  
TG: mm  
TG: delicious  
TG: angry puke  
TG: my favorite  
CG: I BET.  
CG: THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT YOU EAT EXCLUSIVELY. MIXED WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING SHIT. THAT'S WHY SO MUCH OF IT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.  
TG: damn that hurt  
TG: insufferable assholes have feelings too you know  
CG: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU'RE HURTING.  
CG: I WOULD IF YOU SHUT UP ONCE IN A WHILE AND LET ME GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE.  
CG: LIKE HOLY FUCK, IS THIS ALL YOU DO? FUCKING RAMBLE ON ALL THE WAY TO NEW FUCKING JERSEY? JESUS CHRIST, YOU SHOULD GIVE YOUR POOR VOCAL CORDS AND TONGUE A REST ONCE. I THINK YOU'D STOP HAVING GIRLY VOICE CRACKS IF YOU DID. AND MAYBE STOPPED TRYING TO SHOVE YOUR HEAD FURTHER UP YOUR ASS. THAT MIGHT HELP. IF ONLY YOU HAD A FUCKING BRAIN, CHRIST. GODFUCKINGDAMMIT YOU ARE THE EPITOME OF GODDAMN OBNOXIOUS.  
CG: YOU AREN'T EVEN SAYING ANYTHING AND YOU'RE GIVING OFF "I'M ABOUT TO BE REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING, AND PISS YOU STRAIGHT TO FUCK ALL TOWN WITH ONLY A DULL KNIFE AND LACK OF FOOD TO KILL YOURSELF".  
CG: BUT GUESS WHAT. THERE IS LITERALLY NO CIRCUMSTANCE WHERE YOU COULD MAKE ME EVEN MORE ANNOYED AND CONVINCED YOUR NAME MIGHT AS WELL BE FUCK OFF AND DIE. ITS ALREADY AT THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT, AND NOT EVEN YOU CAN BREAK IT. POUND ON IT ALL DAY YOU WANT, STRIDER, BUT THE LEVEL OF HOW MUCH YOU WANT ME TO KILL MYSELF WILL NOT BE OVERFILLED. IT'S UNBREAKABLE.

CG: DON'T EVEN TRY STRIDER. DON'T FUCKING DO IT. SAVE YOURSELF WHILE YOU CAN.  
CG: DON'T FUCKING DARE  
TG: youre triggered  
CG: AND NOW IT IS TOO LATE. THERE IS NO REDEMPTION FOR THE FUCKING TRAINWRECK THAT IS YOUR LIFE.  
CG: CONGRATS ON BECOMING A MAJOR FUCKING DICK ON TOP OF THE FACT YOU MAKE ME WANT TO RIP OFF MY FUCKING FACE AND EAT IT. I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO GET ANY BLOODY WORSE BUT SHIT, GUESS I WAS WRONG FOR FIFTIETH TIME. YOU'RE FULL OF GODDAMNED SURPRISES THAT ADD ANOTHER PART OF ME ON THE HANGMAN OF LIFE. I HATE YOU.  
TG: np dude  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S TOO LATE FOR THIS SHIT.

Late?

You look at the clock. It's around 10 PM. That's late? Karkat does not strike you as a goody two shoes. But okay.

TG: sure  
CG: ARE YOU GONNA BE OFFENDED IF I SAVE MY SANITY OR DO YOU WANT IT TO BE DEGRADED MORE  
TG: ill be as offended as a tumblr user after hearing about tyler joseph saying something about how darkness scares him  
TG: breaking news someone killed themselves with a beanie bc of it  
TG: demand justice for poor soul  
TG: go to court and then get peeved when i lose  
TG: and the problem fades into the darkness of obscurity  
CG: I... OKAY.  
CG: GOODBYE, STRIDER.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

* * *

Staying up until fuck-all hours of the night and not even making a cup of coffee in the morning makes school a fucking nightmare.

Your phone was buzzing all shitting day, there's tests coming up and you don't even remember the lecture. Today was just... not a good day. You didn't even get lunch, thanks to Rose having a similar day. You teased her about it and have a death wish hanging over your head, probably. Not really. She threatened to stop cooking for you, though. Just sibling things.

Too tired to get on your computer, you lie on your bed and open up pesterchum on your phone. You have a lot of messages from randos you don't care about, but one sticks out to you. 

Karkat.

Who woulda guessed.

Two hours ago, too. 

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

 

CG: HEY FUCKMOUTH.  
CG: I'M SURPRISED YOUR WHOLE LIFE ISN'T YOUR PHONE. JESUS CHRIST.

  
TG: under 24 hours again?  
CG: HOPE YOU'RE FLATTERED, FUCKNUTS.  
TG: sure  
TG: is carcino even a word  
CG: IT'S A PLAY ON A MEDICAL TERM. FUCK OFF.  
TG: nerd  
CG: SUE ME.  
TG: ok  
TG: so whyre you talkin to me again?  
TG: in under 24 hours  
CG: WHY THE FUCK NOT?  
TG: youre a pissbaby who cant handle a lil bit of sarcasm and teasing  
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO CONTINUE TO JUDGE ME FOR TALKING TO YOU AGAIN OR ACCEPT THAT FACT THAT I'M DOING IT FOR NO FUCKING REASON? YOU'D THINK YOU'D WELCOME THIS WITH OPEN ARMS.  
TG: this seems sketchy  
TG: welcoming skepticism into open arms  
TG: wait...  
TG: thats ironic  
TG: ok never mind hell yeah ill accept this  
CG: ARE YOU FLATTERED YET?  
TG: sure  
TG: so sup  
CG: I WAS THINKING.  
TG: that cant be good  
CG: WHY THE FUCK NOT MAKE THE MOST OF TALKING TO A COMPLETELY IDIOTIC COCKSUCKING COWLICKER?   
TG: you sure theres no reason youre talkin to me  
CG: COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY SURE, YES.  
TG: maybe you wanna  
TG: continue  
TG: hateflirting  
TG: thats what it seems like  
CG: DROP IT, DICKHEAD. THAT'S ALREADY OLD. IT'S BEEN 2 TIMES SINCE YOU STARTED AND IT'S ALREADY OLD.  
TG: baby cant handle teasing?  
CG: "BABY" IS TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT AND PREFER IT IF YOU DIDN'T. EVER. AGAIN.  
TG: didnt what  
CG: CALL ME BABY. IT SOUNDS LIKE *YOU* ARE THE ONE "HATEFLIRTING". NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I THINK YoU ARE.  
TG: touch caps lock on accident?  
TG: think you can do it again?  
CG: SO ITS TRUE.  
TG: what is  
CG: THAT YOU'RE HITTING ON ME IN SOME STUPID ASS WAY. LIKE SOME DESPERATE HORNY TEENAGER. OH, WAIT, YOU ARE.  
TG: whoa  
TG: ding ding ding  
TG: bullseye  
TG: you won a prize  
TG: its called  
TG: pretty quick to assume that im flirting with a guy  
TG: whose name is one that will never fit my mouth correctly  
TG: its a pair of bad shoes  
TG: still gonna wear them  
TG: cant not  
TG: but they fit really bad  
CG: THAT  
CG: WAS A SHITTY METAPHOR  
TG: ur write  
TG: right  
TG: fuck

Holy fucking shit.

You're a fucking idiot.

Dammit.

The tables have turned. They have turned right round and kicked you in the dick harder than your bull-fox sister.

CG: HAHAHA  
TG: shut up  
TG: and take my money  
TG: hint: ironic use of dead meme

It is now your turn to bang your head repeatedly against your desk.

Jesus Christ almighty, has today ever been a shit day.

CG: YOU'RE A FUCKING DORK. A SHITTY FUCKING DORK. LET ME GUESS: YOU THINK YOU'RE THE COOLEST SHIT AROUND, TOO?  
TG: youre a nerd  
TG: being a nerd is so much fucking worse than being a dork  
TG: at least im not a dork 24/7  
CG: YOU SHOULD PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, MORON. ACCEPT THE FACT YOU ARE FILLED TO THE MOTHERFUCKING BRIM WITH BULLSHIT. I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE NOT A WHINEY MESS.  
TG: i may be low but i wont stoop to your level karkles  
CG: DON'T FUCKING CALL ME THAT. I WILL SHOVE A CACTUS UP YOUR ASS IF YOU EVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN.  
TG: whatever you say  
TG: karkles  
CG: I SWEAR TO GOD  
TG: i think you already do  
TG: 'godfucking'  
CG: I DON'T WHINE.  
TG: yes you do  
CG: NOT ANY MORE THAN YOU DO.  
TG: how do you know i even whine  
TG: i dont whine around you  
TG: this is our third conversation please  
TG: this isnt a shitty romance novel

He... took a while to respond after that. Uh.

CG: WELL. YEAH.  
TG: sure you know that  
CG: YEAH.  
TG: this is weird  
TG: so how was your day  
CG: ARE YOU SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW  
TG: look man ive had a shitty day  
TG: i would love to continue playing asinine footsies  
TG: while shoving fists up each others asses up to the kidneys  
TG: screaming at each other as we rip each other to shit  
TG: but im not in the damn mood anymore  
TG: just answer the question  
CG: WOW. COLOR ME BLOODY SHOCKED, YOU ACTUALLY DON'T WANT TO BE OBNOXIOUS. THAT'S SUPER, ISN'T IT? THAT THERE'S ACTUALLY HOPE FOR YOU?? THAT YOU ACTUALLY CAN SWITCH MOODS QUICKLY SOMETIMES LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING WHEN THEY'VE HAD A HORRENDOUS DAY?  
TG: no  
CG: I THINK ITS SUPER.  
CG: WELL I HAD A BETTER DAY THAN YOU. LET ME REVEL IN THE FACT THAT YOU AREN'T ABOVE ME.  
TG: i have never understood why snark is so fucking annoying oh my god  
CG: DO YOU SEE THAT? IN THE WIND? THAT'S YOUR COOL, FLYING OFF WITHOUT YOU.  
TG: nah its still here  
TG: jacking me off  
CG: LOVELY.  
TG: very  
CG: WHAT MADE YOUR DAY SO SHITTY?  
TG: do you actually care  
CG: WELL. I MEAN. SURE. YOU'RE NOT AN OBNOX-O-BOT SO I GUESS I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE PAINFULLY ANYMORE?  
TG: didnt have coffee all downhill from there  
TG: hbu  
CG: HAD MY CUP OF COFFEE AND A FEW MORE. AVERAGE DAY.  
TG: like how coffee dictates the day tbh  
TG: forget communism  
TG: coffeeism  
CG: THAT WAS THE WORST PUN EVER.  
CG: I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID. I STILL WANT YOU TO DIE PAINFULLY.  
TG: sweet sign me up  
TG: sounds like a blast  
CG: I SENSE HEAVY SARCASM.  
TG: do you also sense heavy tiredness  
CG: GO TO BED, THEN.  
TG: later  
CG: NOW.  
TG: no  
CG: YES.  
TG: no  
CG: YES.  
TG: no  
CG: YES.  
TG: no  
CG: YES.  
TG: no  
CG: YES.  
TG: no  
CG: YES.  
TG: no  
CG: YES.  
TG: fine  
TG: btw you havent out stubborned me im just really tired  
CG: WHATEVER HELPS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT, STRIDER.  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have spent so long working on these conversations. I reread all of Dave's and Karkat's pesterlogs. I'm still so out of character. Karkat doesn't talk enough (you can tell who's easier to write for me). Dave talks too much and his metaphors are subpar. I'm not clever enough for this.  
> But...  
> otp...  
> For the otp.


End file.
